Home Again

They say you can never go home again once you walk out the door and shut it, it stays shut. I live by the thought that home is always there for you to walk back in when times are weary a place that is warm, inviting to those who enter comfort in a storm. I view love like this home a place to lay your troubles filled with people who care how your day went. With hindsight in hand and friendship in my heart I faced the unknown of him since we parted ways hoping to find him in good spirits and living the life he wanted. I found the inter me to face him even though I felt scared of how he would react to me hoping he would see the effect he had on my life the positive influence that his words didn’t fall on deaf ears. To notice that the changes I was going through where a gift that I had to go looking for again, just the way I felt in his presence when I first meet him full of those schoolgirl flutters. I needed this break to find my voice that I let get lost in our distance I forgot how to be the strong woman I always knew was inside of me. I found my weakness I listened more what others had to say about us and stopped listening to my own heart when it spoke to me and slowly I try to please those people more than pleasing myself. I lost a little bit of my spirit I got lost on the highway and instead of asking for directions I just kept coasting the highway never knowing which direction that I should turn, but instead of driving on my own I had a passenger with me that was effected by my journey. Love is still in my heart and I know that it will never go away from me nor do I want it to leave me I would be denying myself of the growth if I denied that. I grew stronger looking inward to find the woman I know I am not because he left me, but because it is in me to change. When he left I cleaned the house from top to bottom looking at the list he once made me thinking of how this would have made his year to see me up on a chair dusting the ceiling fan I could see his laughter and I smiled through it all like a energy lifted out of me. I did these things to find my home a place in me that made sense of the situation that was at hand. Change is something that only you can do for yourself no one can do it for you and with the outlook that it will enrich you. To change so that better person can shine through and enrich those around me. When I saw him again I didn’t do it for spite, but to show that yes he made a difference in my life I only wished that it didn’t have to come at such a high cost. To say thank you for his help and to see that the girl in me is still there. I went to make peace with the old me and to show the new me that can still listen to him and show him that life is precious don’t waste it on the idea that it hold but the reality of what it has to give. Never to sell himself short he has more to offer than what he thinks and with every new journey the roads divide and the road he takes will determine the out come of his happiness. Fear is just a crutch that hides us from pain of disappointment but courage is facing the fear and letting light into that darkness that shrouds us. Never go head long into something without weighing the consequences to the actions because the consequence could cost more than he had intended. I am not healthy and happy because he left me I am health and happy because I saw for the first time the potential he saw in me but I was too blind to see it myself. He was not the cause of my depression or me losing the voice I once had I was the cause of that because I started to question myself and felt as if I didn’t deserve this if I let myself truly be happy I was only setting myself up for disaster. 3 years later and weekly therapy I see the me that was always buried and with it comes the confidence that one day when it is right I will share this with him and we can sit and talk about life lessons, how we got to the point in life where it made sense. No issues in sight just comfort that life has so many unexpected possibilities and that hurt is just a cause of healing. So yes you can go home again the doors of life and love are always unlocked, any key will fit and the porch light is always on.

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