Hindsight

Through extreme pain comes self-awareness as though God’s divine plan for us becomes clearer. Clarity or hindsight is always 20/20 and the things you denied for so long become reality. Love makes us blind for the idea is more important to our souls then the reality of what your love is doing to one another. We live in the cocoon for so long because it is safe and we are afraid of breaking out to become the butterflies that we are meant to be. My life has for the most part been in the services of others even to the detriment to my son and myself. I lived so long trying to not make waves for fear that if I did they would stop loving me or find me to difficult to love. I would revolve my world around my father making sure he was taken care of that I forgot to take care of myself. Then he came into my life and showed me attention an made me feel like the world was good and that I was worthy of love and understanding. Yet, I never saw the cycle I was going back into until it was to late. I can honestly say that for the first couple of years that it was wonderful and that we shared a lot of happy times, but later on it became harder for me to defend him for in my heart was telling me differently but my love for him was more important than the doubts I was having. I was taught by example that love was not something you gave up that you worked at and tried to make it work and if I could make it work then I was a failure once again. I was happy with him and safe in the knowledge that he loved me also, but unfortunately we were hurting each other and with it love became a burden instead of what it was meant to be. We each used the other for the safety of having someone to love us until the safety was no longer comfortable. I have been Co-Dependant all of my life searching for those that gave me a little bit of attention, damning the reasons and the feelings that I have. Because of this I have felt empty and devoid of true happiness that love has to offer instead living for the safety of a net to catch me if anything went bad. I placed all my energy in make this one person happy being what his idea of what I should be that I lost my true self in the process and denying him the gifts I had to offer. When you have so much love in you and feel like you should protect them from harm you tend to give it so freely never asking that it be given back in kind. Though you hope that it does come back in kind and when it doesn’t come back like you have given it with no conditions or strings you become the one thing you despise, you become someone who also gives pain. When a relationship ends you are told to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, to get on with your life not to dwell in it. All this why the wounds are still fresh and clarity is not a option, because someone stole your safety net of love and has taken it off somewhere else. The visions of what you did to make this happen and what could have you done differently play back in your mind like an NFL game. Your heart is lying on the floor and you haven’t got the courage to pick it up and place it back in your chest because if you did you have to face the truth of what is in front of you. You hear from silent people and those you defended him to tell you what a bastard he is for this and you listen letting angry take over because it is easier to be angry instead of the pain and dread. You blame everyone for this because it is easier to have a scapegoat only that in your heart you know that is not true. You feel as though your world has come crumbling in around you and that you will never feel happiness again. Anger only gets you so far and pain resurfaces and haunts you making you look inward and see that love should never be a burden but a gift that makes you reach for the sky. Only then can true healing begin and soon the forgiveness comes to surface the forgiveness of yourself and of him. Never doubting that it was part of a divine plan to make you stronger so that the next person will benefit from the knowledge you have gained. So that the next person who walks into your life will gain for the love you can give since you understand yourself more fully. Fault is so easy to place on people when you hurt, but truth is that fault lies with us both for not seeing sooner what are hearts both told us was going wrong. For not speaking our minds sooner though even if we did the pain would still be there. Would I have changed the way things went? Two weeks ago I would have said yes, but know after searching my soul and praying for answers I say no because the road would have been to hurtful if the first would have gone on and I would never wish pain on those I love. This is a life lesson teaching me that love hurts and pain is just a symptom and that time heals all wounds and life will go on. I will go on to love again, when the time is right he will be revealed. Will he be the right one God only knows that answer, but I do now this I will embrace it and let it teach me the lessons I need to learn. I am a dreamer full of thoughts and ideals looking for a place to fill. I am always searching for knowledge of why we are who we are and what makes us human. I am a lost sheep looking for home a place that comforts me and makes me want to leave that cocoon and become the butterfly I was meant to be a person who makes me want to soar the highest depth of life. The old saying is, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” a motto we all must live by once or maybe more in our lifetime. Do I wish bad things for him no on the contrary I wish only good things for him, we may not have been right for each other but love is all giving and like anyone in my life who I love I wish only great things, because I know they would wish the same

Comments

Gina said…
That is written so well, I can feel your pain. God bless you as you heal.

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