Winter Coldness

Winter coldness fills the air
As I walk past a person barely there
Shadows grows like a giant tree
Hovering down taking a hold of me
Eyes sunken in
Ashen lips
Youth has gone passion lost
Living in a world that long since exist
Grabbing for a heart
That can’t beat
Echoes of her voice whisper in your ear
Touching your soul dragging you in
Longing to follow
Longing to stay
Soul mate is gone, yet you had to pay
Winter coldness blow into the house
As the corpse of you tries to get out.

Rose Tinted Glasses

Shades of gray
Rose tinted glasses
Metaphor to life
No wonder Holly Golightly ate breakfast at Tiffany’s
Reality is all she could ignore
The price of life was her freedom confined
Walking on a tightrope
Balancing her mind
Laughter filled her day
Sadness has no place
Life is to short to wallow it away
Some may think this uncaring
Who is to argue?
But it has it place in the morning
Metaphor to life
Are simply lessons learned
Unlocked mysteries
Path worn by tracks
Visions realized dreams take flight
Standing on the edge of life
Where is sweet Holly today?
Looking into the window
Wishing it all away.

Stocking and Lace

Ropes and stockings
Leather and lace
Contradictions all over the place
Memorized by your presence
The animal speaks in me
Uninhibited bending on my knees
To touch that place that makes us human
Passion explodes
Into the arms of someone
Who knows what it means to be free
No constraints nothing to tie
Feeling a kindred spirits
Unleashed in the night
Riding to the sky on a horse with wings
Limits no bounds
Into him I follow
Never asking why
Drawn to his scent
Like a hunter to prey
Conquering fears that have washed away
As the last tremor is felt
My body comes back
Contradictions washed away
I have found myself.

Ode to Robert Frost

She walked along the streets of her past
Wondering where she had been
Looking for answers to questions
That had long been forgotten
The streets had narrowed
Since her first walk
The directions became clear
Having been traveled by her small feet
The step became worn
By blood she once shed
Robert Frost sits at the table at the end of the hall
He asked, “Which road do you prefer to travel miss?”
She searched hard to answer
Looking at the path behind her
The one traveled by her one to many times
There he sat patiently as she observed her choices
A road with all the pitfalls that life has to hold
A road of nothing but easy streets paved by those who went before
She looks into his eyes and muttered
“I’ll take the road full of hardships and make my life my own.”

Pinocchio

When does the soul lose it faith
Into the ravenous depth of self control
Leading the mind to act
Commanding the body to lose its reason
Leaping into the wells of self doubt
Listening to the words spoken with no respect
He that see all her flaws
Molding her into an image
That no ruler can measure
Spoken words that cut so deep
Scars from where her heart used to be
Control is lost, self made to be destroyed
Walking in silence afraid of her own voice
No longer able to scream out
Heartlessly made into his image of beauty
A puppet hanging on strings
Lead to the pits of his monstrous hold
When does the soul lose faith
To become what it is told
She is no longer a woman
Just a mold without a home.

Rhythm of a Kiss

Soft kisses in the moonlight
Gentle rhythms of the lips
A touch that lingers in the mind
Intertwined in the arms
A passion filled with freedom
Soft caresses no words spoken
In the language of the kiss
Moonlight simmering off his blue eyes
Gazing into them searching his soul
Travels made, journeys took
All are a haze in the moment
Caught up in the kiss
Gentle rhythm of his lips
Touch the chords placed on a shelf
Long ignored
Into the moonlight dancing around
What is it I am searching for?
Can it be found in the rhythm of a kiss?

Mind Games

Darkness fills the street
A path lit only in pain
Four corners of one place
Solitude is the only guide
Confined to that which is fear
Fighting the soul for control
Of the path it wishes to take
Held upon the past
Like a sacrificial lamb
Draining the body of all that is sacred
Killing the freedom
Trapped behind four walls
Four corners of the mind
Past, present, future and the unknown
Battling for forgiveness
To accept love abound
Darkness fills the streets
Confined to all the possibilities

Nursery Rymes

It is two o’ clock in the morning
The entire world is asleep
Her mind is awake
Missing him near her
Arms wrapped around her waist
Asleep in this bed without her soul
It is gone from this place
Flew out the window today
Leaving her alone with her pain
Her back against the wall
A wall she torn down when he first held her
Standing naked to the mirror
Looking into the place that once held him
She sees that nothing is there just a bleeding heart
Her soul flew away today
Is this confinement a punishment?
For loving someone
Letting herself shed those protective walls
Only to watch her heart bleed
Damn him for loving her
She had always kept her distance from love
So she would feel nothing
Now standing in front of herself
All she sees is the love that he had given her
Tears flood her face
Like the river as the dam breaks
She has loved and been loved
So Humpty Dumpty had a fall
The piece shall be put back together again
It is two o’ clock in the morning
Sleep

Maze

Eyes of blue
Depth of soul
Waves of unconsciousness
Pulls me in
Walks in light halo hung low
Where is my heart
What is it to know
Dreams of passion days of truth
Why does my heart lead me to you
Full of heartache shy to speak your name
Wallflower to the way
I know I should behave
Glance towards me
Heart skips a beat
Feelings I have forgotten
Can still stir in me
Eyes of blue
Longing to gaze
But all I have is my own maze.

Loving

Blow into the wind my love
Kiss thy face with all that was
Into the moonlight you go
Back to heaven
The place you now call home
Clouds of yesterday pass by my head
Sorrow that was once my only friend
Replaced by joy that is his light
Placed you into his arms
Making it all right
Angelic voices cry to me in the night
Heaven is full of glory today
Into it flock came my mother
So blow into the wind my love
And may the joys of heaven comfort you
That I may know now the perfect love
You have taught to me
That the heavenly father shows us his great mercy.

Journey

Solitude is the lot in life
Believing in all that is good
Life changing decisions
Multitude of heartache
Giving to much
Finding no pleasure
Passion died
Smothered by compassion
Walking alone
Trying to reach out
Finding no hand
Paying for mistakes
Never truly knowing why
Changes mask what is deep inside
Learning a lot
Not enough though
To make you stop
Letting me go
Walking a line
Not seeing the path
Waking up
To an empty bed
Void of all that once was there
Journey taken of free will
Road ended
Here I stand.

Home Again

They say you can never go home again once you walk out the door and shut it, it stays shut. I live by the thought that home is always there for you to walk back in when times are weary a place that is warm, inviting to those who enter comfort in a storm. I view love like this home a place to lay your troubles filled with people who care how your day went. With hindsight in hand and friendship in my heart I faced the unknown of him since we parted ways hoping to find him in good spirits and living the life he wanted. I found the inter me to face him even though I felt scared of how he would react to me hoping he would see the effect he had on my life the positive influence that his words didn’t fall on deaf ears. To notice that the changes I was going through where a gift that I had to go looking for again, just the way I felt in his presence when I first meet him full of those schoolgirl flutters. I needed this break to find my voice that I let get lost in our distance I forgot how to be the strong woman I always knew was inside of me. I found my weakness I listened more what others had to say about us and stopped listening to my own heart when it spoke to me and slowly I try to please those people more than pleasing myself. I lost a little bit of my spirit I got lost on the highway and instead of asking for directions I just kept coasting the highway never knowing which direction that I should turn, but instead of driving on my own I had a passenger with me that was effected by my journey. Love is still in my heart and I know that it will never go away from me nor do I want it to leave me I would be denying myself of the growth if I denied that. I grew stronger looking inward to find the woman I know I am not because he left me, but because it is in me to change. When he left I cleaned the house from top to bottom looking at the list he once made me thinking of how this would have made his year to see me up on a chair dusting the ceiling fan I could see his laughter and I smiled through it all like a energy lifted out of me. I did these things to find my home a place in me that made sense of the situation that was at hand. Change is something that only you can do for yourself no one can do it for you and with the outlook that it will enrich you. To change so that better person can shine through and enrich those around me. When I saw him again I didn’t do it for spite, but to show that yes he made a difference in my life I only wished that it didn’t have to come at such a high cost. To say thank you for his help and to see that the girl in me is still there. I went to make peace with the old me and to show the new me that can still listen to him and show him that life is precious don’t waste it on the idea that it hold but the reality of what it has to give. Never to sell himself short he has more to offer than what he thinks and with every new journey the roads divide and the road he takes will determine the out come of his happiness. Fear is just a crutch that hides us from pain of disappointment but courage is facing the fear and letting light into that darkness that shrouds us. Never go head long into something without weighing the consequences to the actions because the consequence could cost more than he had intended. I am not healthy and happy because he left me I am health and happy because I saw for the first time the potential he saw in me but I was too blind to see it myself. He was not the cause of my depression or me losing the voice I once had I was the cause of that because I started to question myself and felt as if I didn’t deserve this if I let myself truly be happy I was only setting myself up for disaster. 3 years later and weekly therapy I see the me that was always buried and with it comes the confidence that one day when it is right I will share this with him and we can sit and talk about life lessons, how we got to the point in life where it made sense. No issues in sight just comfort that life has so many unexpected possibilities and that hurt is just a cause of healing. So yes you can go home again the doors of life and love are always unlocked, any key will fit and the porch light is always on.

Creation

As we lie sleeping in the dust of creation
Our hands tied behind our back
We try to justify that which cannot be said
By hiding our heads
The light that once shined so bright
Has dimmed to a glow
Longing to know what makes our hearts beat
Standing to the mirror facing the reflection
Bearing our souls
Walking through the fires of self doubt
Facing the fears of our past
Learning to trust giving the heroes a day off
Finding creation in ourselves
Gently untying the ropes that bind
Finding satisfaction in time.

Cameras Eye

Slowly he moves though her senses
Experience by design
Hidden meanings lost within this time
His hand rest upon her thigh
She shakes with fear
Lost in the hidden meaning that she refuses to hear
Soft lights flash before her
Camera of the flesh
Repeating all the memories
Tempting her to regret
Chamber rooms full of skeletons
Hanging from the rafters
Where are the angelic voices
Trying to guide her way
Just hidden meaning lost within this time
He slowly paces her every step
Cunning is he
Following her through every angle
The cameras eye taking her
Her senses grow cold
The sight she has lost
Slowly ever slowly she lose her touch
The demon is to be fought
By her tiny hands
To chase away the regret she just might have
Her hands clasp his neck
As the blood drains from his face
The camera flash fades away
With angelic voices to guiding her way.

Barefoot Travelers

A tattered road
Cracks in the asphalt
Driven to the limit by miles of uncaring drivers
She lay by the road
A traveler through life’s unspoken mysteries
An outsider to the norm
Eyes of truth
A sword that carries her heartache
Spoken with passion to the masses
Who have forgotten their place?
In the unearthly things
A rebel with a fight
Fighting for all to have a voice
Silence is a sorrow that she cannot endure
The road is traveled by her bare feet
Resting the cross against her shoulder
Carrying the weight of her true self
For all to see
That in nakedness our souls shine in the eyes of the creator
That we are truly beautiful in his eyes
The fight is not in vain
The white lines on the black asphalt
Blue into gray that guides her to the truth
The road she travels is long
The cross becomes ever so light
Her companion has saved her from her weight
Leading her down the road to the ultimate light.

Baggage

Norah Jones in the background
Light play on the ceiling
Smoke lingers in the air
Loneliness fills the sheets
Promise never kept
Time out for a rest
Restless fears overshadow calm
Sitting wondering what went wrong
Complacence breed discontent
Walls shut out emotions
Fears in childhood
Become scars of adulthood
Searching for meaning
Silence to the past
Blind to the fact
That baggage is not always neatly packed
Is easily carried from place to place
Sheets become sheets again
Silence is a mirror reflecting truth
Walls constructed long ago
Is the barrier from all the world hold
To tear it down would the world end
Is the price worth all the fear?
A price for happiness
For self awareness
A price for love
For a soul to be bare
To be naked to the unknown
To let love truly be felt
No longer an arms length away
No fear of one’s self
Bricks slowly tumble to the floor
Taking that first step out from the prison walls
Touching the earth
Forget self-doubt
Freedom at last no walls to bind
No place to hide
Facing one’s self
Scars will heal lessons learned
Human again.

Bactine

Mirrors surround the room
Reflections showing all sides
Directions for the way life should be
Turn a corner only to hit another obstacle
The seven deadly sins
One for each day of the week
Reflect off the ceilings of the soul
Showing the world a masked face
Hiding behind a shroud to cover the heart
What does it say?
When we hide from that which is true
Mirrors reflect images of what only we can see
Never able to see what others do
Why the mysteries
Why can’t we accept the truth?
When someone looks deeper inside
Takes the time to search for more
Rises us up higher than we ever flew
Why doubt what is reflected not from the mirrors but from their eyes
Smiles that soften even the most damaged heart
Healing the scars like bactine
Letting the deadly sins of the week wash away
Holding the key that unlocks the door
Taking us away from the room
Scattering the glass that judges us so harsh
Escaping with our tattered arms
Embracing the eyes that show us so clearly.

Hindsight

Through extreme pain comes self-awareness as though God’s divine plan for us becomes clearer. Clarity or hindsight is always 20/20 and the things you denied for so long become reality. Love makes us blind for the idea is more important to our souls then the reality of what your love is doing to one another. We live in the cocoon for so long because it is safe and we are afraid of breaking out to become the butterflies that we are meant to be. My life has for the most part been in the services of others even to the detriment to my son and myself. I lived so long trying to not make waves for fear that if I did they would stop loving me or find me to difficult to love. I would revolve my world around my father making sure he was taken care of that I forgot to take care of myself. Then he came into my life and showed me attention an made me feel like the world was good and that I was worthy of love and understanding. Yet, I never saw the cycle I was going back into until it was to late. I can honestly say that for the first couple of years that it was wonderful and that we shared a lot of happy times, but later on it became harder for me to defend him for in my heart was telling me differently but my love for him was more important than the doubts I was having. I was taught by example that love was not something you gave up that you worked at and tried to make it work and if I could make it work then I was a failure once again. I was happy with him and safe in the knowledge that he loved me also, but unfortunately we were hurting each other and with it love became a burden instead of what it was meant to be. We each used the other for the safety of having someone to love us until the safety was no longer comfortable. I have been Co-Dependant all of my life searching for those that gave me a little bit of attention, damning the reasons and the feelings that I have. Because of this I have felt empty and devoid of true happiness that love has to offer instead living for the safety of a net to catch me if anything went bad. I placed all my energy in make this one person happy being what his idea of what I should be that I lost my true self in the process and denying him the gifts I had to offer. When you have so much love in you and feel like you should protect them from harm you tend to give it so freely never asking that it be given back in kind. Though you hope that it does come back in kind and when it doesn’t come back like you have given it with no conditions or strings you become the one thing you despise, you become someone who also gives pain. When a relationship ends you are told to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, to get on with your life not to dwell in it. All this why the wounds are still fresh and clarity is not a option, because someone stole your safety net of love and has taken it off somewhere else. The visions of what you did to make this happen and what could have you done differently play back in your mind like an NFL game. Your heart is lying on the floor and you haven’t got the courage to pick it up and place it back in your chest because if you did you have to face the truth of what is in front of you. You hear from silent people and those you defended him to tell you what a bastard he is for this and you listen letting angry take over because it is easier to be angry instead of the pain and dread. You blame everyone for this because it is easier to have a scapegoat only that in your heart you know that is not true. You feel as though your world has come crumbling in around you and that you will never feel happiness again. Anger only gets you so far and pain resurfaces and haunts you making you look inward and see that love should never be a burden but a gift that makes you reach for the sky. Only then can true healing begin and soon the forgiveness comes to surface the forgiveness of yourself and of him. Never doubting that it was part of a divine plan to make you stronger so that the next person will benefit from the knowledge you have gained. So that the next person who walks into your life will gain for the love you can give since you understand yourself more fully. Fault is so easy to place on people when you hurt, but truth is that fault lies with us both for not seeing sooner what are hearts both told us was going wrong. For not speaking our minds sooner though even if we did the pain would still be there. Would I have changed the way things went? Two weeks ago I would have said yes, but know after searching my soul and praying for answers I say no because the road would have been to hurtful if the first would have gone on and I would never wish pain on those I love. This is a life lesson teaching me that love hurts and pain is just a symptom and that time heals all wounds and life will go on. I will go on to love again, when the time is right he will be revealed. Will he be the right one God only knows that answer, but I do now this I will embrace it and let it teach me the lessons I need to learn. I am a dreamer full of thoughts and ideals looking for a place to fill. I am always searching for knowledge of why we are who we are and what makes us human. I am a lost sheep looking for home a place that comforts me and makes me want to leave that cocoon and become the butterfly I was meant to be a person who makes me want to soar the highest depth of life. The old saying is, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” a motto we all must live by once or maybe more in our lifetime. Do I wish bad things for him no on the contrary I wish only good things for him, we may not have been right for each other but love is all giving and like anyone in my life who I love I wish only great things, because I know they would wish the same

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